M.P

M.P

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

interview-desk

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Internet Spring Cleaning

April 1997: Internet Spring Cleaning – In 1997 an email message spread throughout the world announcing that the internet would be shut down for cleaning for twenty-four hours from March 31 until April 2. This cleaning was said to be necessary to clear out the “electronic flotsam and jetsam” that had accumulated in the network. Dead email and inactive ftp, www, and gopher sites would be purged.. Why not try to start a viral email like that for April Fools Day this year :)

Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Drunk-man

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

Get me a beer before it startsA man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” Men-watching-tv The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .” The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Twas the Night After Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

A Really Bad Day (joke)

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

Prisoner-and-the-flower

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

Always allow the bosses to speak first

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Top 20 funny quotes

Top 20 funny quotes

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

If students get wrong concept

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

student-with-open-book

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

Clever politician of India

Clever politician of India

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

Nasa-sending-engineer-to-mars
The last applicant was our Indian politician (Lallu Prasad Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic

   

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Boy-and-girl-kissing

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

Give practical example of this principle

Math Teacher :
If a=b  and b=c then a=c,
now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.

Math-student
Student :
I love you sir
and you love your daughter
which means I love your daughter.

Long back..

Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”

But now they are called….
….
….
..
..
..
.

it-professional-joke

.
.
.

“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”

Sexy elephant figure

Sexy elephant figure

In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.

Sexy elephant figure

Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 – 2400 – 3600!!”

A complex love story

Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain.
But villain loves hero’s sister,and hero’s sister loves heroine’s brother .
Here, heroine’s brother loves villain’s sister .
But villain’s sister loves hero’s brother.

 a-complex-love-story

Again!, hero’s brother is also interested in heroine , and you already know that heroine loves villain.

Finally two people commit suicide.
Who’re they? ……….. Producer and the Director!!

Mathematician wants to become fireman

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”

Fire-man

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”

Blonde one liners

 Blonde one liners

Blonde one liner jokes

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don’t drink!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: “Lather, rinse, and repeat.”

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the Sleeping Pills.

Email to wife (wrong recipient)

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

computer-in-hotel

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

Video Camera & toilet room

Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don’t have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape – with everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !! :-)

Name for twins

   

Name for twins

Raabert had twins and comes to the “Boss”…..

twins in bollywood

Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter….
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.
3 Comments

Machcher ko maar daal

Malik alsi nokar se:- Yahan par itne sare machcher gun-gun kar rahen hai tu unhe maar gira.

Thodi der bad

mosquitoo

Malik:- Abe sale nokar ke bachche maine tujhe machcher marne ko kaha abhi tak tune mare nahi. Woh ab bhi gun-guna kar rahe hai

Alsi nokar:- Malik machcher toh maine maar diye. Yeh toh unki bibi hai jo vidhva ho kar ro rahi hai.

Types of woman

 Types of woman

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Types of woman

VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!

Miserable guy in the bar

   

Miserable guy in the bar

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

We don’t have an air conditioner

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

waiter-serving-food

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Tu toh hamesha galat hi sochti hai

Tu toh hamesha galat hi sochti hai

Bahu: Maaji, yeh abhi tak nahi aaye, kahi koi ladki ka chakkar toh nahi hai unke ?

Bahu discussing

Maaji: Are kalmuhi tu toh hamesha galat hi sochti hai, Ho sakta hai ke kisi truck ke niche aa gaya ho

Sardar needs a toilet paper

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Sardar-needs-toilet-paper

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: “What the….! This is shit you…!” and Banta calmly replies: “Yes, and I want toilet paper”.

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….
…
..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

What happens at Sunday morning at 11?

This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Doctors

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..

sweeper

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Teri shaadi kisi gadhe se kar dunga

 Pehla gadha: Yaar mein jis dhobi ke ghar kaam karta hoo, vo mujhe bahut marta hai.
Doosra gadha: Tu ghar chor kar bhaag kyo nahi jata.

Donkey / gadha

Pehla gadha: Kya batau yaar dhobi ki ek bahut koobsurat ladki hai, vo jab bhi shararat karti hai to dhobi kehta hai ki, teri shaadi kisi gadhe se kar dunga.
Bas yeh soch kar ruka hua hoo.

Disappointed salesman of Coca Cola

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting.

 Desert-man-exhausted

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Drinking-coca-cola

Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”

Brave men of army

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.“

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

Army officer with wife

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

The taxi driver & S.T Peter

   

The taxi driver & S.T Peter

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

ST peter

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”

The indian life is best because…

There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.

* You make tea in a saucepan.

* You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.

* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.

* You have a ‘Singer Brother’ sewing machine at home.

* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk to her for ten years.

* You call an older person you’ve never met before “uncle”.

* You hide everything from your parents.

* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

* Everyone is a family friend.

* Everyone always called you for help on homework.

* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.

* You were thick so you read computer science or business instead.

* You know no one who has read music.

* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.

* You only make telephone calls after 6pm.

* You like the meat well done.

* You eat onions with everything.

* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.

* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you’re with but the waiters don’t understand you.

* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.

* You always say “open the light” instead of “turn the light on”.

* You secure your baggage with a rope.

* You’re walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.

* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.

* You go back to your parents’ country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.

* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.

* To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid.

* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names.

* Your parents call all your friends “Beta” whether they are Indian or not.

* If you aren’t married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it’s too late.

* You are sick and tired of answering questions about “the dot”.

* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried.

* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried.

* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they’re not fighting.

* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian’s house, your parents always talk about businesses… especially if they’re for sale.

* The second you pull out of someone’s driveway, your parents start talking about them.

* Your parents worry what other people will think if you’re not going to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer.

* You’re parent’s always say, “It’s cheaper in India”

The greatest gift of husband

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
husband-wife-gift
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

A mathematician organizes a raffle

A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

I like your thinking

   

I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Mark replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

17 Management Funda’s for you

.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”
office-management-fundas
7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”
offce-computers
13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

I’m waiting on my house

There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.

A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 Drunk-man-waiting-for-home

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”

Lawyers are clever

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”

Clever lawyer

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount”

Horse serving drinks in bar

A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks.

Boy-in-bar
The horse asks, “What are you staring at?”
Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

100 Camels for Wife

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Sardar reaction on weather forecast

Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.

1-hand-in-glove

He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

School kion aatay ho ?

Teacher: Tum school kyun aate ho?
Student: Vidya ke liye sir!

Student coming school for vidya

Teacher: Phir tum class mein soo kyun rahe ho?
Student: Aaj Vidya nahi aayi hai isliye sir!!!

I got in the back seat by mistake

A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

Drunk-man-in-car

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Runaway husband

wiferunaway husbandhusband

porsche

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

running porsche

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

traffic chasing porsche

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy, I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”

traffic policeman

So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”

Discoveries of man & woman

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up .

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip .

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage .

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered

What is the answer ?

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Test Answers

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …!!!

Santa singh starting chicken farm

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

planting-chicken

A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then Santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said Santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”

Bill gates & gujju

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo – Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo – Croat but what do I have to lose?’ So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo – Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’ Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `kem chho’ The other candidate answers ‘ek dam majama..’

Control over wife

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
Men-under-bed

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.

Japan Fast, India Very Very Fast

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

taxi-meter-made-in-india-very-very-fast

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Office memo

ear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Time to go home

   

Time to go home

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

Tavern

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

Beggar and software developer

A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???

Bush, Laaloo and dog

Bush: Tujhe swimming aati hai?
Laaloo: No!

Bush:Tere se kutta acha hai jo swim kar leta hai.
Laaloo: Tujhe aati hai?

Swimmer dog

Bush:Haan!
Laaloo: Fir tere mein aur kutte mein kya farak hai…

Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. Continue reading 10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work…

Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.